THE SUPRISED ACUATIC
Me and my brother are recognized for the terror that we caused in all the animals. When we going to the study and training with our classmates they inmediatly ran and they only want move to away of us.
My brother was very boring, he say that prefer dead that life in this condition, I´m also was sad, I have been talking with my mom that is the most furious tiger and I talked her situation. She with her murderous eyes say "Calm baby, someday you will be loved". with this phrase of my mother, I decided go to the garden dejected. I see the pool of the neighbor and I put on first one claw, and then the other one and i fall. I don´t know who to swim, so only closed my eyes and wait to dead. One minute later I open my eyes and I can´t belong, ¡I can breath under the water! I was really surpising.
With this power and all things that happens in my life I decided going to live in the ocean, my mom was very happy with my decision and my brother doesn't , so he decided going with me to the ocean.
We arrived at the ocean and was the first to enter to the water, but when my brother do it, regred he dead. My brother haven't my power.
Now all the acuatics animales loved me, they give me kisses and huhgs but i don't understand that thay say to me, when I realized that they talk in chinese, so I decided learn chinese in a underwater school.
After one month I learn to talk perfectly in chinese, I'm king of the ocean with my best friend " The Shark". Actually I'm the happiest tiger in the entire world. Surprising my mom decided to learn chinese... ¡She also have the power! ¡We are a family again!
x
Jajajajaja speak in chinese JAJAJA :3
ReplyDeleteMistakes:
ReplyDeleteTitle: "The suprised acuatic" (check grammar)
- "When we going to the study "
- "inmediatly "
- "he say that prefer dead that life in this condition"
- "I´m also was sad"
- "I talked her situation"
- "She with her murderous eyes say"
- "I decided go "
- "I see the"
- "and i fall"
- "I don´t know who to swim"
- "and wait to dead"
- "I open my eyes and I can´t belong"
- "really surpising"
- "all things that happens"
- "my brother doesn't"
- "regred he dead. My brother haven't my power."
- "acuatics animales"
- "huhgs "
- "that thay say to me"
- "in a underwater school."
- " I learn to talk"
- "¡She also have the power! "
Mr, I really liked your story because it was very creative, and your sentences are very understandable. You main problem of your story is that you mixed tenses, present with past basically and it was confusing because the story is in past but then you used present phrases, so pay attention to that.
1. Character = clear description :)
2. Challenge = it was very accurate
3. Motivation = OK
4. Setting = OK
5. Obstacles = 2 main obstacles, good!
6. Climax = The tiger had two important situations: breathing under the water and speaking Chinese, so there wasn't a real climax because these two situations were one after the other.
7. Ending = Enthusiastic! ^^
Well done Mr!