On a day not too distant to southern Africa there live
a boy called Lemus, but every day was hungry to spend about 20 years became a
fat man but his personality very loves he and his father went to the zoo to see
the giraffe’s.
When the first thing they did was buy some delicious
hot dogs with a drink of lemonade arrived, were eating it, even where the
giraffes but within the giraffe kicked his neck and took the hot dog to your
dad. Lemus was so upset she decided to punish her stone planting out what
looked to them, but his father said, Lemus is not necessary to punish you tell
he manager of this and he knows what’s the punishment they deserve, better keep
watching the rest of the giraffes and other animals. Lemus said, well…. You’re
right.
At the end of the day of both a walk in the zoo were
at the reception to tell you the problem that was where the giraffes,
complained that and Mr. in charge told them not to worry that the giraffes will
have his punishment for having eaten his hot dog and to reward him give a hot
dog and a walk through the jungle to see the animals and giraffes.
BY: DAVID SAENZ ZAMORA
Mistakes:
ReplyDelete- "...distant to southern Africa there live"
- "to spend about 20 years became a fat man but his personality very loves he"
- "punish her stone planting out what looked to them"
- "When the first"
- "was buy some"
- "even where the giraffes"
- "to your dad"
- "she decided"
- "you tell he manager"
- "of both a walk"
- "to tell you"
- "that was where the giraffes"
- "his punishment"
Hello David, the previous ones were your mistakes, the idea is that you write on a comment the correct way of each one. You DON'T have to re-post the story, it is not necessary, only to tell me how to correct them.
The message of the story is understandable but some sentences are confusing, IF you used a translator: please DON'T!.
1. Character = OK
2. Challenge = OK
3. Motivation = I didn't recognize a real motivation for Lemus.
4. Setting = OK
5- 6. Obstacles - Climax = The situation was not difficult for Lemus so I didn't see real obstacles or the climax included.
7. Ending = Good ending because it has a positive message.
David, I know you are trying and I congratulate you for that, try to correct the mistakes replying on a comment to this message.
PS = You don't have to correct or re-post the story, you only have to tell me how to correct the mistakes on a comment. ^^