AN UNFORGETTABLE TRIP
During a trip with my parents and my brothers we went of vacation the river Niru, a place very quiet, touristic and funny, when we arrived there were many people around of river. The beautiful river that knew all the best of the world was polluted, had garbage , had dead fish floating and green was dirty.
We were very surprised feet beside this river was a fancy restaurant and this situation was happening had to close. After a few hours all the people who saw the river were disappointed. The next day I left for a while and goes through the river and saw a men watching the river I approveched him and asked what he though about what was happening with the river told me that he was very sad because we ourselves cause this. Told me he knew how to give life to the river, we were talking for a very long time and told me that he had the cure to salve the river that had taken years to do it or just needed someone to throw to the river dangerous because only a special time to vaccinate the river or if not everyone would become contaminated and that day was the day.
Hours later we went to find someone who could put the cure and no one dared because we all knew how dangerous it was. When they had almost reached the time to put the vaccine into the river and there was no one to put it, everyone was around the river were reporters, police, the news and also the president Barack Obama was there seeing what would happen. And a minute left and no one appeared, after missing 10 seconds then I fill of courage lame cura and then everyone started 5, 4, 3, 2 and put the cure into the river. When we saw the river we began to move from one place to another then we are all very nervous then the garbage and everything that was in the river disappeared.
Then the restaurant owners opened it and began to celebrate with champagne for adults and for children, we also fall into account people who have to look after the river that was the most beautiful thing there.
END
During a trip with my parents and my brothers we went of vacation the river Niru, a place very quiet, touristic and funny, when we arrived there were many people around of river. The beautiful river that knew all the best of the world was polluted, had garbage , had dead fish floating and green was dirty.
We were very surprised feet beside this river was a fancy restaurant and this situation was happening had to close. After a few hours all the people who saw the river were disappointed. The next day I left for a while and goes through the river and saw a men watching the river I approveched him and asked what he though about what was happening with the river told me that he was very sad because we ourselves cause this. Told me he knew how to give life to the river, we were talking for a very long time and told me that he had the cure to salve the river that had taken years to do it or just needed someone to throw to the river dangerous because only a special time to vaccinate the river or if not everyone would become contaminated and that day was the day.
Hours later we went to find someone who could put the cure and no one dared because we all knew how dangerous it was. When they had almost reached the time to put the vaccine into the river and there was no one to put it, everyone was around the river were reporters, police, the news and also the president Barack Obama was there seeing what would happen. And a minute left and no one appeared, after missing 10 seconds then I fill of courage lame cura and then everyone started 5, 4, 3, 2 and put the cure into the river. When we saw the river we began to move from one place to another then we are all very nervous then the garbage and everything that was in the river disappeared.
Then the restaurant owners opened it and began to celebrate with champagne for adults and for children, we also fall into account people who have to look after the river that was the most beautiful thing there.
END
By: Alejandra Alava
Nice story :3
ReplyDeleteTHANKS BEBA
DeleteMIstakes:
ReplyDelete- "we went of vacation the river Niru"
- "many people around of river"
- "and green was dirty."
- "We were very surprised feet"
- "this situation was happening had to close"
- "and goes through"
- "saw a men"
- "approveched "
- "with the river told me"
- " the cure to salve "
- "to the river dangerous"
- "cura"
- "then we are"
- " fall into account"
Dear Aleja, I am completely impressed with your story because of something that is very special: the climax!!! You take the reader to a real climax with your story and that is a characteristic that not everyone is including, so congratulations for that!!! :)
About the mistakes, you have some problems with the tenses: present and past mixed.
1. Character = You could describe more about it.
2. Challenge = Well explained.
3. Motivation = OK
4. Setting = Great explanation.
5. Obstacles = Noticeable.
6. Climax = Excellent way to write and take the reader to the climax.
7. Ending = It was ok but very simple.
Amazing work!
"we went of vacation the river Niru" -- we went to vacation at the river Niru
Delete- "many people around of river" --- many people around the river
- "and green was dirty." ------ and it was green because it was dirty
- "We were very surprised feet"-------------- we were fell very surprised
- "this situation was happening had to close"---- ( and pollution of the river made close the restaurant)
- "and goes through"---------- i went pass to the river
- "saw a men" ------------------ saw a MAN
- "approveched "---------- approached
- "with the river told me"--------------- with the river, told me
- " the cure to salve "-------------- the cure to save
- "to the river dangerous"------- the dangerous river
- "cura"------------------- cure
- "then we are" --------------- then we were
- " fall into account---------- we made that people realize the damage they did